DECODING WHY WE EASILY LOSE OUR TEMPER WITH LOVED ONES
We often tend to frown and get angry with our loved ones, yet remain more patient and tolerant with strangers. Why is that? Let’s explore the psychological reasons behind this behavior!
Loved ones are the people closest to us, the ones who love us the most. However, it is sometimes this very “privilege” that makes us feel entitled to vent our anger or impose our frustrations on them, ultimately hurting the most important people in our lives. Let’s examine why we tend to develop such a mindset.
🍀 Reason 1: We lack patience with loved ones
When compared to strangers, we tend to be more patient and less likely to lose our temper with them. This is because we assume that strangers naturally don’t understand us. To gain their understanding and cooperation, we know it requires a great deal of communication and effort.
However, when it comes to loved ones, our patience is much more limited. We assume that they should understand us the most and should support us unconditionally.
While it’s true that the closer someone is to us, the better they understand and support us, it’s unrealistic to expect them to understand every little detail about us in every situation. Likewise, we also can’t always understand or support the thoughts and needs of our loved ones, can we? Even though this is the reality, when things don’t go as expected, we often think:
“It’s okay if others don’t understand me, but how could you, my own [brother/sister/spouse], not understand me? It’s fine if others don’t cooperate or support me, but how could you not?” The more we think this way, the angrier we become.
This psychological phenomenon stems from placing excessively high expectations on loved ones—expectations that we may not even be aware of.
🍀 Reason 2: The pressure of expectations from loved ones weighs heavily on us
Compared to strangers, the demands and expectations of loved ones often feel much more burdensome. This is because we deeply care about their opinions and don’t want to disappoint them. When we’re aware of these expectations, failing to meet them makes us feel as though we’ve let them down.
If they’re unhappy, we’re unhappy too—it’s as if the outcome has already been decided from the start. This creates a mental loop where we feel compelled to succeed at all costs. The desire for success becomes even more urgent, which only amplifies the pressure.
Over time, this pressure accumulates, layer by layer, with each situation adding to the load. While each individual incident may seem trivial, the “last straw” eventually causes us to explode. This is what psychologists refer to as “acute pressure overload.” Unfortunately, loved ones often perceive our outbursts as stemming from past grievances rather than the immediate situation. This misunderstanding prevents effective communication, leaving the problem unresolved and creating a vicious cycle of anger and frustration.
🍀 Reason 3: We develop a sense of entitlement toward loved ones
Family—especially relationships between close members—is a safe and forgiving environment. Sometimes, when we face grievances or pressure from the outside world and have no outlet for release, we bring those frustrations home and take them out on our loved ones. This sense of entitlement is similar to how a child behaves toward their mother—it’s a natural, almost instinctive response.
However, the real concern lies in how this venting often bypasses healthy communication. Under stress, we forget how to speak appropriately. When we lash out at loved ones, we often use provocative, exaggerated, or distorted language. While this may temporarily relieve our own stress, it deeply hurts the people we care about.
If this pattern repeats over time, unresolved conflicts within the family can escalate, creating more intense friction. A once-harmonious atmosphere can be eroded by our misplaced sense of entitlement.
🍀 Reason 4: We sometimes succumb to one-track thinking with loved ones
One-track thinking occurs when we set rigid, unrealistic goals for ourselves or others without considering the actual situation. Once we’re fixated on achieving these goals, we push ourselves to the brink, refusing to stop until we succeed. This traps us in a no-win scenario where we fail to achieve our goals and rob ourselves of happiness in the process.
Such one-track thinking often leads us to impose our subjective views on ourselves or others. This mindset can cause significant harm, not only to our loved ones but also to ourselves.
==> WAYS TO IMPROVE:
- Communicate openly and thoroughly:
When discussing matters with loved ones, avoid communicating in a curt or incomplete manner. If something is bothering you, explain the root cause and the outcome clearly. Even if your loved ones can’t help you solve the problem, this approach fosters mutual understanding and helps ease your frustration to some extent. - Collaboratively plan and adjust goals:
Work closely with your loved ones to discuss the steps and methods for achieving your goals. Be open to their suggestions and strive to incorporate them. At the same time, identify unrealistic goals or aspirations and analyze them together so they can better understand your perspective. - Pause and reflect during conflicts:
If you find yourself unable to think clearly during a conflict, take a step back. Before going to bed, reflect calmly on whether you’ve fallen into one-track thinking. Are your demands too subjective? Have you considered the feelings of your loved ones and the objective reality of the situation?